….I couldn't believe I was only at the half way point. After bitter arguments, stress, rain lashing into my face, arms aching and sweat running into my eyes due to being overburdened by the amount of gear I was carrying, I started the long trudge back to the agreed meeting point….
This was my journey back to rain soaked Preston train station after finally managing to locate an off-licence in the near vicinity. I'd received emergency in-transit telephone instructions from Dan Perrin and 24 cans of Stella were duly acquired and somehow forced into the non-existent space in my hold-all and rucksack.
The purchase almost caused a diplomatic incident when the shopkeeper refused to let me take all 24 from the cold-bin, insisting "you can't take them all, they are for customers", and then made me unpack them all to double check I wasn't stealing any.
Lesson 1: Get the beers in, in advance of departure.
Half an hour later a big white van pulled up at the other end of the car park. My eyesight isn't what it used to be but I could see the words "Budget" emblazoned down the sides. People I didn't recognize started pouring out, holding their backs and stretching. "Can't be them", I thought, "I'll wait for the van with the 'Luxury' signage". Unfortunately they turned and headed my way.
The journey from Egham had taken almost 8 hours. It's about 240 miles, so they would probably have made better progress if they'd cycled. Unfortunately Michael Knight had insisted on stopping at every service station so he could search out a McDonald's Vanilla Thick Shake, and the vans were limited to 60mph. They also had really uncomfortable seats in the back.
I'd been collected by Conchango Team 2 (call sign "Asia" for the rest of the challenge). My team ("Africa") had continued ahead up the M6 in search of a service station with the widest selection of fast food outlets. Michael Knight still needed a McDonald's. Dan Perrin needed a beer.
After introductions, we rejoined the M6 and eventually caught up with Africa at the next services. Unfortunately there were no McDonald's but plenty of other unhealthy options presented themselves, which were gratefully consumed.
At this point I swapped vans to join my team, leaving a few cans of Stella behind to help numb the pain of the van seats for team Asia.
Beer consumption on the move is a delicate balance between the brain and the bladder. I managed a beer in each van before eventually dropping off…..for about 3 minutes, by which time the rigid, upright, solid seats and badly positioned headrests meant I woke up with a crick in the back of my neck. It's difficult to imagine the moment when the person in charge of designing those seats stood back, looked at his handiwork and announced to the world that he's achieved what he set out to do. Unless of course the Torquemada family have gone into the van refitting business.
Lesson 2: Make sure the vehicle wasn't assembled by a sadist. You're going to spend 3 days living in it.
The journey up the M6 was fairly quiet. I'm not sure whether it was boredom, fear or just the fact that nobody liked me, but conversation was scarce. Fortunately Jon George has had the decency to grow a comedy hair style, so staring at the back of his mullet kept me entertained for several hours as it swung majestically from side to side in tune with the bumps in the road.
We passed an hour playing Trivial Pursuits. Saz had brought along the "family fun" version so we had 150 questions along the lines of "What colour is mentioned in the title of the children's TV series Blue Peter?" and "Who is the Queen of England?" I think I came third. Team Asia played the "yellow car" game for three hours, which involved looking for yellow cars on the motorway and shouting "yellow car". Are you getting a good sense of the boredom yet?
We did at one stage manage to connect an MP3 player up to the van's sound system. The speaker (singular) sounded like it had been assembled by stretching cling-film over an empty margarine tub but we did manage to enjoy something other than the sound of a diesel engine for a while. The MP3 player clearly had it in for us as it served up "Misty Mountain Hop" (Led Zep), "Rain" (The Cult), "King of Pain" (Police), "Rain When I Die" (Alice in Chains) and the sing-a-long classic that is Cradle of Filth's "Thank God for the Suffering". Eventually Mel took control of the music at which point we got an hour of only hearing the first seven seconds of each song before she skipped to the next track. Why do women do that?
The last hour driving into Stirling was through torrential rain. I was sat on the first row of seats behind The Mullet and the rain was so heavy that I couldn't see the road. At around 2330 we did finally make it to Stirling Travel Tavern. Allan Partridge eat your heart out. As I staggered in clutching the remnants of a warm can of Stella, soaking wet from the rain and feeling queasy from the excess of deep fried food I'd consumed over the last seven hours, I was starting to feel decidedly Scottish. The receptionist informed us that the local pub would be open until midnight. A hopeful look around revealed no takers so I consoled myself with a can of Stella in bed before getting the last few comfortable hours of sleep for the rest of the weekend.
Saturday morning started with breakfast at the local services. All the boys had a fry-up and all the girls had exotic forms of Muesli. And I include Michael Knight in the latter group. It was then back to the Travel Tavern, pack up and head back to the van. Now, at this point I decided not to squeeze the pillow I'd been carrying with me back into my bag, I just carried it to the van (there wasn't really room with all the remaining Stella in there). This led to accusations of "Travel Tavern pillow theft" for the remainder of the weekend, though I suspect much of this was borne out of jealousy for what was a spectacularly good idea given the lack of comfort offered by the van.
Lesson 3: Take something with you that will make sleep easier and more comfortable. Don't worry about the smell.
The proof of this being that as we drove into Fort William, the ladies insisted on an impromptu shopping expedition and Saz came back with enough sleeping accessories to run a B&B out of the back of the Africa van; for team Asia, it looked like Lorraine and Linda had bought a king sized travel water bed with duvet and pillow set. I'm sure it was only the lack of available time that saved the vans from being decked out with floral curtains, scatter cushions and a host of scented soft furnishings.
Just for the record, the pillow came from the Tardis (yes we have a Tardis) in the playroom at home. Amongst other things, it's the emergency store for spare bedding whilst the kids are going through potty training. My wife wouldn't let me take a decent one and she sent me off towards the playroom with the words "Sod off. You can take one of the old ones but it might smell of p***".
For those in team Africa that borrowed the pillow during the course of the weekend – I should probably have told you that earlier.
We had one more stop on the way to the meeting point - the excitement of an endless supply of Mrs Perrin's lemon drizzle cake meant Team Asia couldn't contain themselves for the whole journey so we had to stop for them to relieve themselves. The girls set off on a two mile hike to find an appropriate level of seclusion, unfortunately to no avail - other than for Heidi who could wait no longer and so provided brief roadside entertainment for the traffic heading towards the Scottish Open Golf tournament. I believe the Scottish Tourist board have set up a hotline number for anyone travelling on the A82 that day who now need counselling.
Lesson 4: Make use of all available facilities before you get in the van.
And so we finally arrived at the Glen Nevis visitor centre at the foot of Ben Nevis. I don't know what the Nevis brothers did to get so famous, but their mother must have been very proud. However if I was Glen, I would be somewhat distressed to see my brother get a mountain named after him whilst all I got was a small car park and some public toilets.
All that remained was to avoid eating Lozza's protein balls, strap on the equipment - which included a pair of red Y fronts (to be worn on the outside of the trousers obviously), a gold cape and a mask - get our kit checked by the marshalls, clock in at the start point, pick up a radio and we were off!
To be continued.....
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Find out what we were doing here.
Find out why we were doing it here.